It was acceptable ‘posh’ dessert for dinner guests in the 80s…

Last night we had Irony Boy and wife round for tea. They were trying to rehabilitate themselves after the ball-grabbing-throw-tea-everywhere incident that killed our remote controls, so they cooked tea for us. And for pudding we had a special treat…Viennetta.

You remember Viennetta? It’s an ice cream thing with a very thin chocolate partial chocolate coating. It was once incredibly popular, a bit like Arctic Roll, but considered much more fancy. Arctic Roll was Saturday tea time. Viennetta was Sunday lunch, for special dinners, to impress guests. After all, it came on its own ‘plate’ and everything and had an Italianish name, so it had to be posh, right? (I think it was the same thinking that came up with Dolmio as a name for cheapie pasta sauce.)

And because it was served when we had guests, it was always cut incredibly thinly to make it go round. My mum once served 14 people out of one Viennetta. I’m not saying she’s tight, but I could see the pattern on the plate through my slice…

But anyway, Viennettas are still there in the freezer cabinets. They cost £1 these days and are a budget pud. (I think they were more expensive in the 80s, like Cornettos used to be.) I don’t know if you can still get all the variations - I used to like the biscuit one, but they did mint, strawberry and chocolate ice cream varieties too. In fact, it was the chocolate version we had last night. Nostalgia never tasted so good.

5 most annoying rip-offs

I’ve been thinking about how easily we get duped into paying for stuff we don’t need. Here are five of the things I think are the most annoying ways people try and rip you off.

1) Warranties. I recently went to buy a new TV remote from Argos, because Irony Boy had baptized our previous remote with his cup of tea after his wife unexpectedly grabbed his balls (long story), and the cashier offered me a 3-year warranty. On a £6 remote control.* What is the point of a warranty on a £6 remote? Especially as I’ve banned Irony Boy from having hot drinks in the living room any more.

2) Vitamin supplements. The best description of vitamin pills I’ve ever heard was on The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon described them as “the ingredients for very expensive urine”. It’s true. You literally pi$$ away your money.

3) Those stupid magazine part works. ‘Build a solar system’ by paying three quid a week for two years, by which time you’ll be heartily fed up with your solar system model and will probably have lost half the bits anyway. Seriously, who buys these? The best one I ever saw was ‘build your own medieval village’ - the first week you got two bricks and six roof tiles.

4) Consolidation loans. Thankfully, the adverts for these have virtually disappeared from TV. Three cheers for the credit crunch. But when they were on they gave me the urge to kill Carol Vorderman and end her patronisingly inane ‘maths’. Of course it’s ‘cheaper per month’ to pay a debt off over 15 years than six months. But is it cheaper overall, Carol? Is it? No.

5) Blu-ray or whatever the hell will come after Blu-ray. Yay - go out and buy all the films you own on yet another format. Baa, sheep, baa. The same applies to MP3s. I own it already - give me the new version free, you wallet-raping conmen.

*NB - this is probably my favourite juxtaposition of a long rambling sentence with a short ungrammatical sentence I’ve ever written.

Telly news of the day

Red Dwarf is coming back.

Not on the BBC, though.

Country Music Wisdom #1

You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you’re sitting at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done

~ The Gambler, Kenny Rogers

Mr Consistent Fan

The mighty Shrews took on Darlington yesterday. It was my third Town game of the season. It turned out to be the third time in a row I’ve seen Town win 1-0. For the third time they won a game they could easily have lost. And a new trend - this was the second game I’ve seen in a row that the opposition had a man sent off.

I’d already told a couple of people that I was expecting a 1-0 win because I was on a ‘run’. Shrewsbury scored after 4 minutes, then held on for 91 (86 + 5 minutes stoppage time) in a decidedly ropey game. The official stat is that Darlington had 58% of the possession. It certainly looked like it, and it almost paid off for the visitors. But for two fine saves by Luke Daniels and a last minute reprieve when the ball screwed across the Town 6-yard box in the penultimate minute, they could have easily lost this. Darlington were a physically stronger side and seemed to ghost through the Shrewsbury midfield with very little opposition.

The transfer window hasn’t been kind to Shrewsbury. they’ve lost a couple of players and only one new player has arrived - Nick Chadwick, who came on in the second half and proceeded to not win a single header. He is apparently ex-Everton, with the emphasis on the ‘ex’.

One or two Town players stood out. Winger Chris Humphrey electrified the crowd with some good runs to the byline and deep into the box on one occasion. Richard Walker had a good game upfront but took some real punishment from Darlington’s bruiser centre-backs. Luke Daniels pulled off those saves mentioned above and looked pretty good with his clearing punches. But he’s only a loan player and will be headed back to West Brom soon. Paul Murray and Neil Ashton battled in midfield, but were too small to really compete. Kelvin Langmead and Graham Coughlan were pretty solid in defence. They had to have a good game, given how much pressure they came under.

Town are now sixth in the table and look good for a play-off place if they can keep winning. But, realistically, this team would get hammered frequently at a higher level. Promotion will mean a rebuild throughout the team from the goalkeeper onwards, and given the economic pressure on football clubs, it’s unlikely they can afford to do that.

Match Factoid: Marc Pugh came on for the l;ast 10 minutes and committed two fouls - the most of any Town player.

My record at the ProStar Stadium: Seen 8, W7, D0, L1

Ike or itch?

Having read one of his novellas in a sci-fi collection, I had a look through my John Wyndham books the other day and found one I don't remember reading: Trouble with Lichen.

My own 'trouble' with 'lichen' is that I don't know how to say it. Growing up, my dad always used to point it out on rocks as 'liken', with a long i and hard k. But I've met several people who call it 'litchen', with a short i and an English ch sound. And if you say it the wrong way to the wrong person they always correct you.

The online etymological dictionary says: "from L. lichen, from Gk. leichen, originally "what eats around itself," probably from leichein "to lick". That, frankly is no help, as the Greek word would have been written with a X(chi) which is pronounced like a Welsh/Scottish 'ch' (think loch, or Castell Coch). Lei would be a 'lie' sound in Greek, but I think li is shorter in Latin.

So, here we go - ike or itch? Cast your vote.

Scientology

I'm preparing a study on this. And at the risk of being hunted down by sinister dudes, harrassed and sued and harangued by Tom Cruise, I'm forced to conclude that:

These people are nuts.

More guilty pleasures

Because ten aren’t enough…

TV Snooker. People say it’s boring; I say it’s soothing. Especially late at night, when you’ve had a busy day and you want to watch something, but your brain also wants to go to sleep. The same also applies to live cricket.

Baiting people. Drop the bait and wait for someone to get riled, annoyed, pedantic, or whatever. There are few pleasures more pleasurable than watching someone get on their hobby horse and charge angrily off into the middle distance. It works both ways: e.g. “One of the reasons rugby is superior to football is that you never get rugby hooligans…” or “The problem with rugby is very basic: it’s just crap to watch…”

Joining in the rude songs at football matches. Okay, they’re childish, but a song like “Who the ----ing hell are you?” offers you a chance to swear for the greater good. Football is the glue that holds communities together. You’re contributing to social cohesion as you chant “sheep, sheep, sheep shaggers” at the opposition fans.

Hot Tamales. I know they’re no good for me, despite the slogan on the box: “A low fat candy!” But, oh, I love the taste.

Opening a pack of football stickers. Or any trading cards, really. It’s the frisson of the unknown, combined with happy memories of collecting stickers as a kid.

She hangs her head in shame

My friend Clare is a major film fanatic (97 films in the cinema last year). So I was a bit surprised when she emailed me for help in identifying film posters, especially as one of the film posters she was stuck on was this:

I replied "Seriously?" One of the most iconic film posters of all time? Didn't the fact that that's Darth Vader's head in the background give it away? She was suitably embarrassed when I pointed it out.

Ten guilty pleasures

I caught that TV show 'Guilty Pleasures' on a digital channel the other night. Now before you think it's something very dodgy, possibly involving naked people and soft focus camera work, it's a show where various celebrities list the things they like, but feel they shouldn't. So, for example, Stephen Fry revealed his love for Abba, and Georgette Heyer novels.

It got me thinking, if I had to list my guilty pleasures, what would they be. Here are ten.

1) Country music. I don't know if it's the twang of the gee-tarr, or the cowboy hats, but I really like country music. Today I bought The Best Country Album...Ever! in the Zavvi clear out, and I'm amazed how many of the songs I know. Now I own them. I'm so happy.

2) Potatoes. I don't care how they come. Baked, mashed, chipped, fried, roasted, in potato salad, as crisps, whatever. I love potatoes. I would like to reincarnate as a potato weevil and just eat potatoes all day. (I'm sure not coming back as a human, with my karma.)

3) Blogging in work time. Not that I ever do this, ever! But if I did, I know I'd love it...

4) Games Workshop. One day, when I've made a mint and I have enough time to properly learn how to paint models, I'm going to buy the mother of all 40K armies and create beautiful mayhem. I'm thinking of going Tau.

5) Failblog. I shouldn't laugh at the failures of others, and yet I do. Frequently. The same is true of Cake Wrecks. The writing on the CW site is comedy of the highest order.

6) Playing Guitar Hero... alone. I'm too cool to rock out properly when other people are watching. But when I'm alone I swing that axe as if I was a rock god.

7) Verbal doodling. I've written a game-by-game history of an imaginary football team covering the last 25 years. And it's all for me. I know it's nerdy and unproductive, but hey, it's my time and I can waste it if I want.

8) Cherry tomatoes. Sure, they're healthy, but in the summer I was buying them in 5kg boxes from the organic veg providers at the end of my street. And we ate them all.

9) Other people cancelling. You know when you've got something on which you don't really want to go to, but you feel you ought to, and then someone cancels and you're suddenly free and it's not your fault. Best feeling ever. Closely followed by when someone asks you to do something then tells you that you don't have to do it after all. That's about as close as I get to job satisfaction.

10) Trips to the toy shop. I love wondering round toy shops, looking at all the lovely things, maybe buying some....Yeah, I play with my Star Wars figures. Why else would I have so many?