Showing posts with label Irony Boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Irony Boy. Show all posts

Thursday, August 22, 2024

Alien: Romulus - kicking a franchise in a new direction

This was my second trip to the cinema this month. I went with Ian, who informed me this film is what's known as an 'interquel' as it's set between other movies in the Alien franchise. As we chatted before the film we worked out that this could well be the first film we had been to together since Alien: Covenant back in 2017.

I reviewed Alien: Covenant in my round up of films I saw in 2017. I hated it. I felt an intense anger at how much it insulted my intelligence and the intelligence of everyone in the theatre around me. Even now, seven years later, I can feel the rage at the sheer stupidity of the script bubbling as I type this. Movies shouldn't do that to people!

Anyway, very briefly, before I get into the review, here is a non-spoilery summary. This follows the now traditional formula for an Alien movie. There are a group of people. A xenomorph gets loose. Then it's just a case of trying to guess who dies next. There are jump scares and some gore - how else can you have a juvenile alien burst out of someone's chest? 

I think a person could watch this if they hadn't watched any other films in the franchise, although I don't really know why they would want to. However. it will be easier to follow if they have at least seen Alien, Aliens and Prometheus - although there isn't very much related to the latter movie. There are a lot of callbacks to the first two movies - to the point where they feel overdone. And there is one recurring character who I will discuss below the spoiler barrier of the film poster. But you wouldn't need to know they were a recurring character, and maybe it would be better not to know. 

There are two other aspects of the film that I don't think are spoilers. One is the grimness of the colony world at the start of the film. This is where our doomed gang hail from. Theoretically the colonists can work their way off the planet and book passage to another world. But the rules keep changing to keep people there. Then an opportunity arises to leave. The escape plan means going into a space station where bad things happened. And those bad things are waiting for them. 

The franchise's vision of the future is one where people are expendable on worlds run by corporations. This is true if humans are toiling down mines or encountering xenomorphs. The people don't matter. It does feel like a realistic possible future - not a pleasant idea, but a believable one. 

And if humans are expendable, 'artificial humans' are even more so. This is the second interesting aspect of the film, the relationship between Rain, played by Cailee Spaeny, and her 'brother', an android called Andy played by David Jonsson. I'm very interested in films that look at how humans interact socially with machine intelligence and this is explored in the film cleverly and sympathetically. 

Spoilers follow below the film poster! (You have been warned.)


Let's talk about those callbacks, and the big one - the very unexpected appearance of a CGI version of Ian Holm as an artificial person Science Officer. This one is known as Rook, not Ash, but to all intents and purposes, it is Ash. The CGI is a bit awkward at first, but when the action switches to Rook appearing only on TV screens it looked much more believable. 

But it gave me the ick. Ian Holm is dead. Unless they secured his permission to do this, then using his likeness in a film just feels wrong. I've felt the same way about the way Christopher Lee was regenerated for Star Wars: Rogue One. This feels like a violation because it's using a person's voice and likeness without their consent. 

The acting was OK, not that most of the xenomorph fodder had much to do except scream and die. But David Jonsson stood out among the rest of the cast. His initial damaged goods persona was full of pathos and his switch to an upgraded AI operating under a different prime directive was eerie and scary. 

But I did catch one interesting thing, when Rook identifies Andy's android model, Rook refers to that model as key to the early colonising efforts but now obsolete. I'm not sure if it was meant that way, but it felt a bit awkward that the colonising efforts used a large number of black synthetic humans effectively as slaves, while the white synthetic humans had roles as Science Officers (for example). Maybe the film-makers were trying to make a comment about race or maybe I'm just being sensitive. Either way, I felt uncomfortable. 

There are some plot holes. We see one xenomorph gestate and emerge, and then suddenly there are loads of them infesting the space station. Rook explains that one original xenomorph - picked up from the wreckage of the Nostromo destroyed in Alien no less - ran rampant through the ship but that didn't explain where the room full of cryogenically stored face-huggers came from. 

But there are some great sequences as well. The lift off from the colony world and Rain seeing sunlight for the very first time. The space station's collision with the icy rings around the planet. The idea of using zero-g to fight the xenomorphs so that their spilled acidic blood didn't melt through the hull, and the ensuing balletic float around the clouds of acid droplets to escape. 

I'm not sure we really needed the final scenes and their jeopardy once Rain and Andy made it back onto the ship. Although, that is traditional for Alien films too - Ripley in the escape pod in Alien, the queen xenomorph appearing on the USS Sulaco. But I think they could have left it with one extra survivor in a pod bound for a new planet, carrying something awful. 

I did like the touch of Rain leaving a message before getting into cryo-stasis. Her target world is nine years away and so she is going to sleep. Very much like Ripley at the end of the first two movies. Cailee Spaeny could easily go on to become the face of the franchise for further films so I hope she gets to wake up in a future movie. Even though, there will be fresh horrors waiting for her.  

Saturday, March 28, 2009

It's funny when it's not your upholstery

I wiped most of the zebra drool off the interior of Viv's car after our safari trip for Irony Boy's birthday. Later Cathy said 'I don't think you're supposed to feed the zebras. Fortunately, it's not as if there's any photographic evidence of you feeding the zebra (checks camera), oh, wait...'

But you have to admit he's a cutie...


Even when he's got his nose in the car trying to mug me for treats.

Friday, January 30, 2009

It was acceptable ‘posh’ dessert for dinner guests in the 80s…

Last night we had Irony Boy and wife round for tea. They were trying to rehabilitate themselves after the ball-grabbing-throw-tea-everywhere incident that killed our remote controls, so they cooked tea for us. And for pudding we had a special treat…Viennetta.

You remember Viennetta? It’s an ice cream thing with a very thin chocolate partial chocolate coating. It was once incredibly popular, a bit like Arctic Roll, but considered much more fancy. Arctic Roll was Saturday tea time. Viennetta was Sunday lunch, for special dinners, to impress guests. After all, it came on its own ‘plate’ and everything and had an Italianish name, so it had to be posh, right? (I think it was the same thinking that came up with Dolmio as a name for cheapie pasta sauce.)

And because it was served when we had guests, it was always cut incredibly thinly to make it go round. My mum once served 14 people out of one Viennetta. I’m not saying she’s tight, but I could see the pattern on the plate through my slice…

But anyway, Viennettas are still there in the freezer cabinets. They cost £1 these days and are a budget pud. (I think they were more expensive in the 80s, like Cornettos used to be.) I don’t know if you can still get all the variations - I used to like the biscuit one, but they did mint, strawberry and chocolate ice cream varieties too. In fact, it was the chocolate version we had last night. Nostalgia never tasted so good.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

5 most annoying rip-offs

I’ve been thinking about how easily we get duped into paying for stuff we don’t need. Here are five of the things I think are the most annoying ways people try and rip you off.

1) Warranties. I recently went to buy a new TV remote from Argos, because Irony Boy had baptized our previous remote with his cup of tea after his wife unexpectedly grabbed his balls (long story), and the cashier offered me a 3-year warranty. On a £6 remote control.* What is the point of a warranty on a £6 remote? Especially as I’ve banned Irony Boy from having hot drinks in the living room any more.

2) Vitamin supplements. The best description of vitamin pills I’ve ever heard was on The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon described them as “the ingredients for very expensive urine”. It’s true. You literally pi$$ away your money.

3) Those stupid magazine part works. ‘Build a solar system’ by paying three quid a week for two years, by which time you’ll be heartily fed up with your solar system model and will probably have lost half the bits anyway. Seriously, who buys these? The best one I ever saw was ‘build your own medieval village’ - the first week you got two bricks and six roof tiles.

4) Consolidation loans. Thankfully, the adverts for these have virtually disappeared from TV. Three cheers for the credit crunch. But when they were on they gave me the urge to kill Carol Vorderman and end her patronisingly inane ‘maths’. Of course it’s ‘cheaper per month’ to pay a debt off over 15 years than six months. But is it cheaper overall, Carol? Is it? No.

5) Blu-ray or whatever the hell will come after Blu-ray. Yay - go out and buy all the films you own on yet another format. Baa, sheep, baa. The same applies to MP3s. I own it already - give me the new version free, you wallet-raping conmen.

*NB - this is probably my favourite juxtaposition of a long rambling sentence with a short ungrammatical sentence I’ve ever written.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Films beginning with I

I borrowed I Am Legend on DVD the other day, as it was one of those films I wanted to see but never quite got to the cinema while it was out. Having read the book previously, I kind of knew they would have changed the ending, and the reviews I’d read had confirmed that suspicion.

So it was refreshing to find the ending is a bit downbeat. The biggest change isn’t vampires into ‘dark-seekers’, or locating an actual source of the plague in a manufactured viral cancer cure. The biggest change is turning the ‘legendary status’ of the main protagonist into that of a hero. In the book he becomes a legend in that by the end of the book, he is now the monster.

One thing which was weird is that I watched it with Irony Boy who had no clue that there were monsters in it, until the first ones showed up. Obviously he’d missed that aspect of the plot amid all the hype.

Anyway, and on to a second film seen with Irony Boy which begins with I - and that is Iron Man. Clare had previously stuck her neck out to claim this was better than Transformers, and it’s a worthy claim. Certainly, it’s the first film since Transformers which I’d pay money to watch again in the cinema.

Although there isn’t too much new in the plot - friend and mentor betrays hero, life-changing event, superhero has to fight former friend at the end - the scripting is good, with enough humour to keep the movie going. I always find Robert Downey Jr incredibly watchable, and he can easily carry a film like this, so there are no worries on the acting part. Gwyneth Paltrow does a good job as his assistant and Jeff Bridges manages to play the part of chief antagonist without hamming it up too much.

There’s a teasing clip after the credits introducing the rest of the Marvel SHIELD franchise too. And as long as they can keep Downey Jr in the suit, there’s no reason why the Iron Man franchise can’t run and run. It’s certainly the best superhero film since Batman Begins, and raises the bar for The Dark Knight due out later this year.

Meanwhile we got a trailer for another film beginning with I - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which looks like it’s going to be plenty of fun, and also Prince Caspian, which kicks on the Narnia franchise this summer as well (and looks very good from the trailer).

But one movie I’m really looking forward to is Kung Fu Panda. We had a teaser spot last night in amongst the trailers and it looks hilarious! And it’s not a sequel or a comic book adaptation! Originality in Hollywood - what’s going on?

Jongudmund’s ratings
I Am Legend - worth a watch, 7/10
Iron Man - a definite must-see, 9/10

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Playability

Often when you talk to someone frequently the same topics come up again and again. With my little brother it's the subject of "playability" in computer games. As far as we're concerned you can forget your fancy graphics and whatnot, what really matters is whether the game is playable.

My proof, if proof were needed, is Zelda on the Super Nintendo versus Zelda on the N64. I loved Zelda on the SNES - except I can only play it with Oasis' Definitely Maybe on in the background (long story, but for me the two go together). But on the N64 it was a so-so rpg, with huge distances you had to cover to get anywhere. It didn't look as good either. Zelda on the SNES was cute. On the N64, it was humdrum. Basically the "better game" lacked playability and effectively killed off Zelda for me, although the screenshots on the Nintendo DS adverts have almost re-converted me.

Recently I've been playing PacMan on Facebook, which is further proof that graphics only get you so far and it's 'playability' that counts. PacMan has been around for almost three decades and yet it knocks many other games into a cocked hat. When I teamed up for a game of Halo with Irony Boy, I loved it, but Destroy All Humans 2 wasn't my bag. One had "playability", the other didn't. Wii Sports is the defining moment in Nintendo's triumph of "playability". Of course the graphics are something else too, but there's a reason Nintendo keep bagging awards for Wii Sports - it's simply great to play.

My favourite top thirteen most playable games
Arcade/Spectrum/other truly ancient consoles
PacMan
Batty
SNES
Super Mario World
The Legend of Zelda - a Link to the Past
Super Star Wars
Game Boy
Tetris
Super Mario World 2 - Six Golden Coins
N64

Mario '64
F-Zero X
X Box
Project Gotham Racing
PlayStation 2
Zoo Puzzle
Gamecube
Super Mario Sunshine
Nintendo Wii
Wii-Sports

So what games do you rates most playable?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

You have to watch this!

Irony Boy sent me the link to this video, which goes to show how having too much time on your hands ain't necessarily a bad thing. I particularly like Lego Chewie's entrance.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Wii (or Wi-i) strain

Irony Boy has availed himself of the latest console from Nintendo, so yesterday while we were waiting for the womenfolk to turn up at his house, we played a bit of virtual golf and baseball. Today I have a slight strain in my right elbow when I straighten it. A definite case of Wii Strain.

On a different, but related note, Abz tells me that up in Geordieland people call the Wii the 'wye-eye'. How fantastic is that?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

When stunts go bad

Saturday night and Irony Boy and I are flicking through the cable channels doing the three second judgment call on the dross that was on. That was until we started watching ‘When Stunts Go Bad’, car crash TV at its finest.

I think my favourite bit was when two Russian pilots in a flight display team crashed their Migs into each other. Both ejected safely, even though one plane was ripped in half and turned into a fireball before cratering the tarmac.

But then, the defining moment. One of the pilots has landed safely, his parachute billowing around him. As he lands he already has a cigarette between his lips. He steadies himself and steps out of the harness, lights up, shrugs his shoulders at the camera and saunters off as if that sort of thing happens every day.

No comment for the camera. No smile. Just a nonchalant drag of nicotine and a shrug. How cool is that cat?

After When Stunts Go Bad we teamed up for a co-op game of Halo2 and I found out that using two joysticks at the same time is as confusing as hell.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The perfect introduction

Last night Cath, Irony Boy and myself were at a gathering and a woman introduced herself to me. She then asked 'And who's this?' about Cath, to which I said 'Oh this is my wife, Cathy.' (As you'd expect me to really.)

Then she noticed Ian. 'And do you know him?'

'Yep,' I said. 'That's Ian. He's my sidekick.'

'Your sidekick?'

'Yes. We're superheroes in our spare time.'

That ended that conversation.

Friday, December 29, 2006

It's a nice little problem to have

The hardest part about Christmas is finding homes for all the new stuff I've been given. Artoo-Potatoo will join Darth Tater and Spud Trooper quite easily. Books go on the shelf. Nightmare stuff in with the ever-growing collection of Nightmare stuff. Clothes go in the wardrobe etc. etc.

But suddenly I've got a collection of B-Damen. After Irony Boy gave me one in our pre-Christmas House Christmas, he then found a Jap import version cheap in Yeovil for me. I also found 3 import versions in our new fancy 'out-of-town, but nearer my house now' Toys 'R' Us for the ludicrous low price of 96p each. Suddenly I have an armada of the things and I'm not really sure where to put them.
Still, I guess the hassle of finding space for all my new toys is a nice hassle to have.

Another addition to the Spud Wars family...

Friday, December 22, 2006

House Christmas

Last night we had house Christmas. This was because Viv has to work over Christmas, we're visiting rellies and Irony Boy is off to his homeland - although, technically, he isn't part of the household; he just pretends to live here when ordering stuff off the web.

One of our Christmas traditions is to watch Bernard and the Genie. It's a BBC film, written by Richard Curtis of Blackadder and Four Weddings fame, which we have on video from 1991. As you can imagine, it's a bit crackly and faded by now, so maybe it's time to lobby the BBC and get them to release a decent version on DVD.

We also opened some presents. I was given another B*Damen to keep the one I bought a few months ago happy. Or, maybe they'll fight... who knows?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Ah, the elicit yumminess of banned chocs

Yesterday we went to a VIP screening of A Good Year, the new Russell Crowe film directed by Ridley Scott. I quite like Ridley Scott films and this one was as visually impressive as I’d expect, although the story had a bit of a twee ending. Freddie Highmore, last seen as Charlie of Chocolate Factory fame in Tim Burton’s gothic homage to Roald Dahl, played the young Russell, and was excellent, as was Albert Finney (who bizarrely was in Burton’s Big Fish and voiced a character in Corpse Bride). It did make you ask the question though: Is it worth winning the rat race if all you get to be is king rat? (Jongudmund’s rating: 7/10)

The great thing about these VIP showings is that you get a free drink and sweets. Last night I had a pack of Rolos – usually forbidden because they’re made by Evil Nestle (their full name, apparently), while Cath had a pack of Revels for what she maintains is the first time ever! It’s amazing how she can still surprise me after almost 12 years together. “You must have had Revels before!” “No, I never have.” I believe her because she got totally caught out by the coffee flavoured ones. Blurgh.

Irony of the night
Besides free drinks and sweets there’s also a raffle, which Cath and I both had a strange feeling that we’d win. And we did. The prize was a case of 12 bottles of award-winning wine. …And neither of us drink at the moment due to our meds.

Weird coincidence of the night
Irony Boy’s fiancée is out of town so he brought a housemate along as his ‘date’. Bizarrely she used to work at the cinema and left very shortly before I started there back in 2001.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Small Screen review

A couple of movies I’ve watched on DVD recently…

Serenity
My friend June introduced me to the genius that was Joss Whedon’s Firefly, a genre-defying sci-fi series that was cruelly cancelled by the kind of idiots responsible for Brainmush TV scheisse like Love Island. Serenity is the feature film version of Firefly, which reunites the original cast and takes the story to a whole new level.

What I admired most about this was that it lost none of the raw energy of the TV series, and it didn’t try to retell the story so far. Instead it filled in the gaps, but in such a way, that I don’t think you’d have to have seen Firefly to get what was happening. True, seeing the TV series first will make it more meaningful for you, but Serenity isn’t just for Firefly fans. It has zippy dialogue, an interesting plot and isn’t afraid to dispense with some pretty important characters (no spoilers!).

Jongudmund’s rating: 8/10

Where the Heart Is
Irony Boy put up a strong fight, but eventually succumbed to watching this chick flick with us last night. It’s got Natalie Portman in, who I’ve always rated since seeing Leon years ago, despite the mediocrity of Star Wars 2 & 3 (Garden State redeemed her after those disappointments). She seems to be one of those movie stars who divides opinion – you either loathe her, or aren’t bothered. I’m not quite sure why she generates such dislike, but my sidekick and my sister-in-law both reckon they can’t stand her.

Anyway, moving on to the film. I thought it was OK. Portman is good as the pregnant heroine who is abandoned by her feckless boyfriend at a Wal-Mart in Sequoyah, Oklahoma. After living and giving birth in the store she makes friends with a bunch of odd characters, including the perpetually sprogged up Ashley Judd, while Stockard Channing steals the show as the slightly batty “Sister”.

The only major criticisms I’d make is that this feels a bit dated (it’s six years old); a couple of important plot-twists happen off-screen and are then ‘explained’ by the characters; and much of it is predictable. When a character says “I’ll be right back!” before wandering off into a tornado, you know they’re being optimistic. But there were some laughs, mainly at inappropriate graces said before meals, and it had a happy (if cheesy) ending.

Jongudmund’s rating: 5.5/10

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Million dollar ideas

Every so often I get a brainwave for something that would be a ‘million dollar idea’. Recently Irony Boy has been the recipient of frantic emails from me outlining a potential million dollar website – ideas that are usually swiftly rebuffed by the self-appointed Web Tyrant.

Anyway, the other day I had a brilliant idea. In my office the one smoker in the building often nips out the back door for an ‘oxygen break’. Unfortunately this means that his pungent cigarette smoke wafts up through our second floor windows, which are always open because we have no air-con and the office is always way too hot. The other day, when the second hand smoke was being particularly annoying I joked that I was going to bring in a super-soaker water pistol to douse the source of the toxic fumes, and that’s when I had my idea:

Million dollar idea #1: The Smoker Soaker
This would be a small, concealable, but highly accurate, water pistol that you could use to squirt people smoking in annoying places, like restaurants or cinemas. For added irony, they’d come in a variety of colours, all of which looked a bit like cigarette packets, e.g. red/white, gold, purple, white with a royal blue stripe. That would make them collectible as well.

Million dollar idea #2: The Car Trainsporter
I don’t know why we don’t have roll-on, roll-off car-carrying trains in this country. It would make a lot of sense to me to be able to drive onto a train in Cardiff, then have a nice relaxing train ride up to Newcastle, drive off and have all the convenience of having my car with me and none of the six-hour cross-country slog.

I’d envision this working with car-loading points in big cities, away from current stations, as usually there are loads of redundant minor stations in areas ripe for redevelopment (or even using stations just outside big cities but which are right on the motorway). The trains, of course, wouldn’t need to stop in itty-bitty places and because you’d have your car with you, it would be fine if say the nearest car-loading point was fifty miles away from your home, and your exit point was fifty miles away from your eventual destination.

The pros of car-trainsporters:
Not having to drive on Britain’s hellish motorways for hours and hours and hours.
More environmentally friendly than air travel
No check in palaver – again better than air travel
Saves on petrol and wear and tear on the car – lower mileages mean lower insurance premiums; no chance of breaking down on the way
The trains could have buffet/restaurant cars, newsagents etc – this would also be a pro from the point of view of the train operator because they’d virtually have a captive audience
Much quicker journey times, although that is dependent on the reliability of the rail system. Hmmm.

The cons of car-trainsporters
Britain’s railway system sucks and it’s getting worse
Rail travel is already expensive – this wouldn’t be cheap
It can be pretty boring sitting in a car or sitting on a train, so how boring will it be sitting in a car while on a train?
It would take time to load up and unload
New car-loading stations would need to be built, and possibly new motorway junctions

But even so, it’s a million dollar idea. Feel free to use it…

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Crank

I went to see this with Irony Boy on Monday night, having gotten quite excited by the trailer. I have to say it didn’t disappoint. I’ve been quite keen on Jason Statham since his turn as The Broadhurst Monk in Vinnie Jones’ Mean Machine, and also The Transporter’s pedals-in-an-oil-slick fight scene. (If you haven’t seen The Transporter then that will mean nothing to you. Your loss!) He was also great value in the Jet Li vehicle, The One.

Crank definitely lives up to its hype. The basic plot is that Statham is a hit man, Chev Chelios, who gets injected with a poison that will kill him if his adrenaline level drops. So, it’s basically Speed with a bloke instead of a bus. There’s lots of mindless violence, gratuitous sex and unnecessary profanity. I really enjoyed it, although the public sex scene with an enthusiastic Chinese audience was a bit OTT, especially as his girlfriend (played by Amy Smart) is initially reluctant, but then gets turned on by the attention. I have to admit that’s the only bit of the film I baulked at, because ‘no means no’ and a scripted reverse from refusal to compliance will surely send the wrong message out to the majority-male audience.

But, dubious sexual conduct aside, Crank was also very funny. Statham’s schizophrenic switch from outraged frustration at getting his chick’s answerphone, through to calmly leaving a message, followed by an outburst of f-words after hanging up is brilliant. There are plenty more moments like this scattered throughout the film, like when he disposes of a gun-toting would-be assassin while his oblivious ditzy girlfriend picks up the dropped contents of her handbag.

Another destined-to-be-classic line is when he’s in a pharmacy trying to remember the name of the drug that will save him…
Chev: I need something beginning with E…
Counter girl: England?
The look on his face at this smart-ass comment is priceless.

Overall, then I’d give this the two thumbs up if you like tough comedy, don’t mind swearing and (frequently bloody) fight scenes.