5 most annoying rip-offs

I’ve been thinking about how easily we get duped into paying for stuff we don’t need. Here are five of the things I think are the most annoying ways people try and rip you off.

1) Warranties. I recently went to buy a new TV remote from Argos, because Irony Boy had baptized our previous remote with his cup of tea after his wife unexpectedly grabbed his balls (long story), and the cashier offered me a 3-year warranty. On a £6 remote control.* What is the point of a warranty on a £6 remote? Especially as I’ve banned Irony Boy from having hot drinks in the living room any more.

2) Vitamin supplements. The best description of vitamin pills I’ve ever heard was on The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon described them as “the ingredients for very expensive urine”. It’s true. You literally pi$$ away your money.

3) Those stupid magazine part works. ‘Build a solar system’ by paying three quid a week for two years, by which time you’ll be heartily fed up with your solar system model and will probably have lost half the bits anyway. Seriously, who buys these? The best one I ever saw was ‘build your own medieval village’ - the first week you got two bricks and six roof tiles.

4) Consolidation loans. Thankfully, the adverts for these have virtually disappeared from TV. Three cheers for the credit crunch. But when they were on they gave me the urge to kill Carol Vorderman and end her patronisingly inane ‘maths’. Of course it’s ‘cheaper per month’ to pay a debt off over 15 years than six months. But is it cheaper overall, Carol? Is it? No.

5) Blu-ray or whatever the hell will come after Blu-ray. Yay - go out and buy all the films you own on yet another format. Baa, sheep, baa. The same applies to MP3s. I own it already - give me the new version free, you wallet-raping conmen.

*NB - this is probably my favourite juxtaposition of a long rambling sentence with a short ungrammatical sentence I’ve ever written.

Not much love for the Vorderman

Star in a Jar suggests a new career for 'our Carol' could be... "lion food".

Can anyone better that?

Have you noticed?

It seems the adverts offering easy credit have disappeared from our TV screens. You know the ones: “Have you been refused a loan elsewhere? Got bad credit ratings? Insolvency and county court judgments? Can’t afford to pay more bills? Come and rack up even more debts with Idiotloans™”

Who would have thought that an industry built on giving money to people who had a history of being unable to pay money back would have been an unsustainable business model? Or that lending money against a house which is already mortgaged to the hilt will result in there being no money to pay you back when house prices start to drop?

(Insider tip - secondary mortgage companies which give you a new massive loan to pay off all your old debts suddenly have no assets to claim. If you can’t pay your bills, your primary mortgage provider gets the money from the sale of your house, and if you’re in negative equity your secondary mortgage provider will get nothing if the primary mortgage provider has taken it all. Which is why 'consolidate your debt' companies are suddenly not touting for business. Their 'secured' loans are no longer secure.)

So I guess that’s one positive thing about the “Credit Crunch”/financial meltdown/death of capitalism - Carol Vorderman won’t be patronising us with talk of ‘one monthly payment’ and pretending that you’ll pay less under the scheme she’s pitching.