These are some of the phrases people use that grate with me, some of them more than others…
Do you know what I mean? repeated frequently. Yes. I speak the same language as you. I can follow the thread of your argument. I have a brain. I know what you mean.
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I have two female friends who will suddenly sing a loud ‘la’ note for no apparent reason other than that they’re not the centre of the conversation. Possibly the most annoying way to grab attention.
Guess what I did today… You gave yourself a full-frontal lobotomy with a spork? No? But what else would explain your prob…? Er. I don’t know. What did you do today?
Would you like to…? I’m on dodgy ground bringing this up because this is my lovely wife’s favourite prefacing question. “Would you like to empty the bins and recycling?” No, not really. Or, classically when I’ve just sat down on the sofa after a hard day, “Would you like to go out to the kitchen and do a random chore involving heavy lifting?” (Okay, that’s not a literal report, but the gist is true.) Used as a ‘non-nag’ nagging method. ‘I’m not telling you that you ought to phone your dad, but would you like to phone your dad…’
I’m not being funny but… Good thing you said that or I’d have burst out laughing at your point. You will let me know when you are being funny won’t you. I might miss it.
Have you got two minutes to [insert random charitable endeavour]? Yes I do have two minutes, thanks. And I’d like to keep them.
[In lilting sing-song] Thank you. One of my colleagues uses this method to signal the end of a conversation; say ‘thank you’ in a sing-song voice and then walk away. Thank you for listening to me; I’m bored of you now. Or, thank you for allowing me to interrupt your work; I don’t want to hear why my idea will create a lot more work for you because frankly I don’t care. Goodbye.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Mattius/Mathis/Matthews/Matt-i-ass please?” No. Get lost.
I’m sure you’ve got your own - add them in the comments…
Friday, February 06, 2009
Monday, February 02, 2009
The debate around flirt to convert
Had a convo last night at the 'youth in a cafe thing' about whether it was okay for me to chat up, er, I mean 'witness', to the hot waitress and ask her about her cool neck tattoo. One person said, 'Should we tell your wife'. I was like, 'Yeah, she would laugh and gleefully watch me crash and burn...'*
But anyhow, I didn't, because there is always that thing of if you talk to someone they might get the wrong idea. And then today I discovered this blog post about witnessing that looks like hitting on people. The comments are as funny as the original post.
I particularly like the acronym S.T.U.D. - Salvation Through Unbiblical Dating. Quality.
*I was like, so, offended that they thought I meant it... that I started using 'like' instead of 'said'!
But anyhow, I didn't, because there is always that thing of if you talk to someone they might get the wrong idea. And then today I discovered this blog post about witnessing that looks like hitting on people. The comments are as funny as the original post.
I particularly like the acronym S.T.U.D. - Salvation Through Unbiblical Dating. Quality.
*I was like, so, offended that they thought I meant it... that I started using 'like' instead of 'said'!
Friday, January 30, 2009
It was acceptable ‘posh’ dessert for dinner guests in the 80s…
Last night we had Irony Boy and wife round for tea. They were trying to rehabilitate themselves after the ball-grabbing-throw-tea-everywhere incident that killed our remote controls, so they cooked tea for us. And for pudding we had a special treat…Viennetta.
You remember Viennetta? It’s an ice cream thing with a very thin chocolate partial chocolate coating. It was once incredibly popular, a bit like Arctic Roll, but considered much more fancy. Arctic Roll was Saturday tea time. Viennetta was Sunday lunch, for special dinners, to impress guests. After all, it came on its own ‘plate’ and everything and had an Italianish name, so it had to be posh, right? (I think it was the same thinking that came up with Dolmio as a name for cheapie pasta sauce.)
And because it was served when we had guests, it was always cut incredibly thinly to make it go round. My mum once served 14 people out of one Viennetta. I’m not saying she’s tight, but I could see the pattern on the plate through my slice…
But anyway, Viennettas are still there in the freezer cabinets. They cost £1 these days and are a budget pud. (I think they were more expensive in the 80s, like Cornettos used to be.) I don’t know if you can still get all the variations - I used to like the biscuit one, but they did mint, strawberry and chocolate ice cream varieties too. In fact, it was the chocolate version we had last night. Nostalgia never tasted so good.
You remember Viennetta? It’s an ice cream thing with a very thin chocolate partial chocolate coating. It was once incredibly popular, a bit like Arctic Roll, but considered much more fancy. Arctic Roll was Saturday tea time. Viennetta was Sunday lunch, for special dinners, to impress guests. After all, it came on its own ‘plate’ and everything and had an Italianish name, so it had to be posh, right? (I think it was the same thinking that came up with Dolmio as a name for cheapie pasta sauce.)And because it was served when we had guests, it was always cut incredibly thinly to make it go round. My mum once served 14 people out of one Viennetta. I’m not saying she’s tight, but I could see the pattern on the plate through my slice…
But anyway, Viennettas are still there in the freezer cabinets. They cost £1 these days and are a budget pud. (I think they were more expensive in the 80s, like Cornettos used to be.) I don’t know if you can still get all the variations - I used to like the biscuit one, but they did mint, strawberry and chocolate ice cream varieties too. In fact, it was the chocolate version we had last night. Nostalgia never tasted so good.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
5 most annoying rip-offs
I’ve been thinking about how easily we get duped into paying for stuff we don’t need. Here are five of the things I think are the most annoying ways people try and rip you off.
1) Warranties. I recently went to buy a new TV remote from Argos, because Irony Boy had baptized our previous remote with his cup of tea after his wife unexpectedly grabbed his balls (long story), and the cashier offered me a 3-year warranty. On a £6 remote control.* What is the point of a warranty on a £6 remote? Especially as I’ve banned Irony Boy from having hot drinks in the living room any more.
2) Vitamin supplements. The best description of vitamin pills I’ve ever heard was on The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon described them as “the ingredients for very expensive urine”. It’s true. You literally pi$$ away your money.
3) Those stupid magazine part works. ‘Build a solar system’ by paying three quid a week for two years, by which time you’ll be heartily fed up with your solar system model and will probably have lost half the bits anyway. Seriously, who buys these? The best one I ever saw was ‘build your own medieval village’ - the first week you got two bricks and six roof tiles.
4) Consolidation loans. Thankfully, the adverts for these have virtually disappeared from TV. Three cheers for the credit crunch. But when they were on they gave me the urge to kill Carol Vorderman and end her patronisingly inane ‘maths’. Of course it’s ‘cheaper per month’ to pay a debt off over 15 years than six months. But is it cheaper overall, Carol? Is it? No.
5) Blu-ray or whatever the hell will come after Blu-ray. Yay - go out and buy all the films you own on yet another format. Baa, sheep, baa. The same applies to MP3s. I own it already - give me the new version free, you wallet-raping conmen.
*NB - this is probably my favourite juxtaposition of a long rambling sentence with a short ungrammatical sentence I’ve ever written.
1) Warranties. I recently went to buy a new TV remote from Argos, because Irony Boy had baptized our previous remote with his cup of tea after his wife unexpectedly grabbed his balls (long story), and the cashier offered me a 3-year warranty. On a £6 remote control.* What is the point of a warranty on a £6 remote? Especially as I’ve banned Irony Boy from having hot drinks in the living room any more.
2) Vitamin supplements. The best description of vitamin pills I’ve ever heard was on The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon described them as “the ingredients for very expensive urine”. It’s true. You literally pi$$ away your money.
3) Those stupid magazine part works. ‘Build a solar system’ by paying three quid a week for two years, by which time you’ll be heartily fed up with your solar system model and will probably have lost half the bits anyway. Seriously, who buys these? The best one I ever saw was ‘build your own medieval village’ - the first week you got two bricks and six roof tiles.
4) Consolidation loans. Thankfully, the adverts for these have virtually disappeared from TV. Three cheers for the credit crunch. But when they were on they gave me the urge to kill Carol Vorderman and end her patronisingly inane ‘maths’. Of course it’s ‘cheaper per month’ to pay a debt off over 15 years than six months. But is it cheaper overall, Carol? Is it? No.
5) Blu-ray or whatever the hell will come after Blu-ray. Yay - go out and buy all the films you own on yet another format. Baa, sheep, baa. The same applies to MP3s. I own it already - give me the new version free, you wallet-raping conmen.
*NB - this is probably my favourite juxtaposition of a long rambling sentence with a short ungrammatical sentence I’ve ever written.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Country Music Wisdom #1
You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘emKnow when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you’re sitting at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done
~ The Gambler, Kenny Rogers
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Mr Consistent Fan
The mighty Shrews took on Darlington yesterday. It was my third Town game of the season. It turned out to be the third time in a row I’ve seen Town win 1-0. For the third time they won a game they could easily have lost. And a new trend - this was the second game I’ve seen in a row that the opposition had a man sent off.
I’d already told a couple of people that I was expecting a 1-0 win because I was on a ‘run’. Shrewsbury scored after 4 minutes, then held on for 91 (86 + 5 minutes stoppage time) in a decidedly ropey game. The official stat is that Darlington had 58% of the possession. It certainly looked like it, and it almost paid off for the visitors. But for two fine saves by Luke Daniels and a last minute reprieve when the ball screwed across the Town 6-yard box in the penultimate minute, they could have easily lost this. Darlington were a physically stronger side and seemed to ghost through the Shrewsbury midfield with very little opposition.
The transfer window hasn’t been kind to Shrewsbury. they’ve lost a couple of players and only one new player has arrived - Nick Chadwick, who came on in the second half and proceeded to not win a single header. He is apparently ex-Everton, with the emphasis on the ‘ex’.
One or two Town players stood out. Winger Chris Humphrey electrified the crowd with some good runs to the byline and deep into the box on one occasion. Richard Walker had a good game upfront but took some real punishment from Darlington’s bruiser centre-backs. Luke Daniels pulled off those saves mentioned above and looked pretty good with his clearing punches. But he’s only a loan player and will be headed back to West Brom soon. Paul Murray and Neil Ashton battled in midfield, but were too small to really compete. Kelvin Langmead and Graham Coughlan were pretty solid in defence. They had to have a good game, given how much pressure they came under.
Town are now sixth in the table and look good for a play-off place if they can keep winning. But, realistically, this team would get hammered frequently at a higher level. Promotion will mean a rebuild throughout the team from the goalkeeper onwards, and given the economic pressure on football clubs, it’s unlikely they can afford to do that.
Match Factoid: Marc Pugh came on for the l;ast 10 minutes and committed two fouls - the most of any Town player.
My record at the ProStar Stadium: Seen 8, W7, D0, L1
I’d already told a couple of people that I was expecting a 1-0 win because I was on a ‘run’. Shrewsbury scored after 4 minutes, then held on for 91 (86 + 5 minutes stoppage time) in a decidedly ropey game. The official stat is that Darlington had 58% of the possession. It certainly looked like it, and it almost paid off for the visitors. But for two fine saves by Luke Daniels and a last minute reprieve when the ball screwed across the Town 6-yard box in the penultimate minute, they could have easily lost this. Darlington were a physically stronger side and seemed to ghost through the Shrewsbury midfield with very little opposition.
The transfer window hasn’t been kind to Shrewsbury. they’ve lost a couple of players and only one new player has arrived - Nick Chadwick, who came on in the second half and proceeded to not win a single header. He is apparently ex-Everton, with the emphasis on the ‘ex’.
One or two Town players stood out. Winger Chris Humphrey electrified the crowd with some good runs to the byline and deep into the box on one occasion. Richard Walker had a good game upfront but took some real punishment from Darlington’s bruiser centre-backs. Luke Daniels pulled off those saves mentioned above and looked pretty good with his clearing punches. But he’s only a loan player and will be headed back to West Brom soon. Paul Murray and Neil Ashton battled in midfield, but were too small to really compete. Kelvin Langmead and Graham Coughlan were pretty solid in defence. They had to have a good game, given how much pressure they came under.
Town are now sixth in the table and look good for a play-off place if they can keep winning. But, realistically, this team would get hammered frequently at a higher level. Promotion will mean a rebuild throughout the team from the goalkeeper onwards, and given the economic pressure on football clubs, it’s unlikely they can afford to do that.
Match Factoid: Marc Pugh came on for the l;ast 10 minutes and committed two fouls - the most of any Town player.
My record at the ProStar Stadium: Seen 8, W7, D0, L1
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Ike or itch?
Having read one of his novellas in a sci-fi collection, I had a look through my John Wyndham books the other day and found one I don't remember reading: Trouble with Lichen.
My own 'trouble' with 'lichen' is that I don't know how to say it. Growing up, my dad always used to point it out on rocks as 'liken', with a long i and hard k. But I've met several people who call it 'litchen', with a short i and an English ch sound. And if you say it the wrong way to the wrong person they always correct you.
The online etymological dictionary says: "from L. lichen, from Gk. leichen, originally "what eats around itself," probably from leichein "to lick". That, frankly is no help, as the Greek word would have been written with a X(chi) which is pronounced like a Welsh/Scottish 'ch' (think loch, or Castell Coch). Lei would be a 'lie' sound in Greek, but I think li is shorter in Latin.
So, here we go - ike or itch? Cast your vote.
My own 'trouble' with 'lichen' is that I don't know how to say it. Growing up, my dad always used to point it out on rocks as 'liken', with a long i and hard k. But I've met several people who call it 'litchen', with a short i and an English ch sound. And if you say it the wrong way to the wrong person they always correct you.
The online etymological dictionary says: "from L. lichen, from Gk. leichen, originally "what eats around itself," probably from leichein "to lick". That, frankly is no help, as the Greek word would have been written with a X(chi) which is pronounced like a Welsh/Scottish 'ch' (think loch, or Castell Coch). Lei would be a 'lie' sound in Greek, but I think li is shorter in Latin.
So, here we go - ike or itch? Cast your vote.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Scientology
I'm preparing a study on this. And at the risk of being hunted down by sinister dudes, harrassed and sued and harangued by Tom Cruise, I'm forced to conclude that:
These people are nuts.
These people are nuts.
Monday, January 19, 2009
More guilty pleasures
Because ten aren’t enough…
TV Snooker. People say it’s boring; I say it’s soothing. Especially late at night, when you’ve had a busy day and you want to watch something, but your brain also wants to go to sleep. The same also applies to live cricket.
Baiting people. Drop the bait and wait for someone to get riled, annoyed, pedantic, or whatever. There are few pleasures more pleasurable than watching someone get on their hobby horse and charge angrily off into the middle distance. It works both ways: e.g. “One of the reasons rugby is superior to football is that you never get rugby hooligans…” or “The problem with rugby is very basic: it’s just crap to watch…”
Joining in the rude songs at football matches. Okay, they’re childish, but a song like “Who the ----ing hell are you?” offers you a chance to swear for the greater good. Football is the glue that holds communities together. You’re contributing to social cohesion as you chant “sheep, sheep, sheep shaggers” at the opposition fans.
Hot Tamales. I know they’re no good for me, despite the slogan on the box: “A low fat candy!” But, oh, I love the taste.
Opening a pack of football stickers. Or any trading cards, really. It’s the frisson of the unknown, combined with happy memories of collecting stickers as a kid.
TV Snooker. People say it’s boring; I say it’s soothing. Especially late at night, when you’ve had a busy day and you want to watch something, but your brain also wants to go to sleep. The same also applies to live cricket.
Baiting people. Drop the bait and wait for someone to get riled, annoyed, pedantic, or whatever. There are few pleasures more pleasurable than watching someone get on their hobby horse and charge angrily off into the middle distance. It works both ways: e.g. “One of the reasons rugby is superior to football is that you never get rugby hooligans…” or “The problem with rugby is very basic: it’s just crap to watch…”
Joining in the rude songs at football matches. Okay, they’re childish, but a song like “Who the ----ing hell are you?” offers you a chance to swear for the greater good. Football is the glue that holds communities together. You’re contributing to social cohesion as you chant “sheep, sheep, sheep shaggers” at the opposition fans.
Hot Tamales. I know they’re no good for me, despite the slogan on the box: “A low fat candy!” But, oh, I love the taste.
Opening a pack of football stickers. Or any trading cards, really. It’s the frisson of the unknown, combined with happy memories of collecting stickers as a kid.
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