Not so special offer

Sky TV keep mailing me with their special offer for live football, broadband and phone calls. And it seems very special until you read the small print and find you need to pay for a BT line as well, and a one off payment for a box, and phone calls at certain times, and so on.

And then there’s the bigger objection, which is Sky TV are bastards who, by giving money to the biggest clubs have made top flight football virtually unwatchable. Every season is billed as the most exciting yet, but the truth is the Premiership is about as formulaic and processional as a Formula One race. The biggest hype is reserved for the end-of-season rush for the last Champions League slot, which could go to anyone, but will inevitably be either Liverpool or Arsenal. Since when has finishing fourth been at all important, in any league, in any sport, in any country, ever? Since Sky.

Such are the diminished ambitions of the majority of football clubs - don't win anything, just get into the Champions League and earn enough money to fund next season's unsuccess.

Of course the Champions League is yet another example of TV money ripping the throat out of football and gorging itself on the still-warm blood of pseudo-competition. The European Cup it replaced used to be a contest of champions. Now it’s various big clubs from around Europe cashing in, regardless of whether they’ve won anything in their domestic league or not. The last “British” (don’t get me started) winners were Liverpool, who have never won the Premier League and were top English team most recently when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister. In what way do they qualify as champions?

So, Sky TV, stop sending me junk mail. You’ve ruined football. It’s a boring soulless affair and I hate you for that. Why don’t you sod off back under a rock and get your clammy, undead hands off things that matter.