Marketing the King

Elvis is back in fashion and part-work maestros deAgostini are pushing a new series on the King, helped by ads in every break on Channel 4 and More4 last night in the two and a half hours of telly I watched. (Big Brother, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, My Name is Earl, for anyone who’s interested)

The ad for the magazine series makes me laugh because halfway through they explain how each issue comes with “authentic replica artifacts”. It’s the juxtaposition of ‘authentic’ and ‘replica’ which tickles me. What exactly is an ‘authentic replica’?

I think what they mean is the copy of Elvis’ school report they give you hasn’t just been made up out of thin air – it is a reproduction of Elvis’ actual report. But surely many of the people who will be buying this stuff – hardcore Elvis collectors – would know what was in his school report anyway. And if you don’t know already, they could print anything…

Home Economics
Elvis likes making burgers and is very proficient with using the deep fat fryer.

English
Despite using the wrong tenses, Elvis has made considerable progress. But he must learn that he is “all shaken up”, for example.

Social studies
Elvis’ concern for the inhabitants of our penal system is evident in his heart-warming essay on why every inmate in a cell block would benefit from listening to music.

RE
Elvis’ knowledge of gospel songs is very helpful, although he must stop trying to entertain the class.

Music
If Elvis could learn the bassoon, I’m sure he would be a valuable asset to our school orchestra. Unfortunately he insists on playing guitar in a highly excitable way. I’m afraid his musical future is limited if he refuses to play a proper instrument.

Attendance
On more than one occasion Elvis has refused to attend particular classes. Frankly, we are growing tired of hearing Elvis has left the building.