We had a conversation today at coffee time about how malted milk biscuits are sneakily bad for you because they’re full of hydrogenated fats. I commented how I have hydrogenous zones (complete with “seductive” stroking motion).
We all laughed. In fact, I laughed so much that my hydrogenous zones shook.
Showing posts with label man-boobs or moobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label man-boobs or moobs. Show all posts
Monday, March 09, 2009
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New girl in the office - or- why I don't wear dresses
Got a newbie starting in our office today. I thought I'd make a good impression... by turning up late because I overslept. Then everyone told her not to believe anything I said because I'm the 'number 1 wind-up merchant', which I'd dispute but now she won't believe any of my protestations of innocence.
I introduced the new girl, Ruth, to Rowena, saying "Rowena's a very important person - because she's the other girl in the CDP team!" Rowena then told Ruth how glad she was to have another female around, and how she'd tried to get me wearing a dress so she didn't feel so alone.
"I used to," I said, "but people were intimidated by my man-rack." Which apparently was taking it too far.
Still, start as you mean to go on, as I always say.
I introduced the new girl, Ruth, to Rowena, saying "Rowena's a very important person - because she's the other girl in the CDP team!" Rowena then told Ruth how glad she was to have another female around, and how she'd tried to get me wearing a dress so she didn't feel so alone.
"I used to," I said, "but people were intimidated by my man-rack." Which apparently was taking it too far.
Still, start as you mean to go on, as I always say.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Missing moobs
I was asked, as my newest alter ego Kev, to write a short piece on self-worth. And I did, using an old blog post as a launch point.
But between submission and publication the word moobs was changed to boobs, with no ‘man’ placed strategically in front of them. So I think I have achieved two firsts.
1) Professionally, to become the first person in my esteemed organisation’s history to have something published with the word 'boobs' in it, referring to breasts; and
2) Personally to somehow alter gender in the hands of a, presumably well-meaning, editor… and not only that but become the kind of woman who bares all on the beach and feels no shame in letting people know about it. Which, if I was a woman, I suppose is the kind of woman I’d like to be.
But between submission and publication the word moobs was changed to boobs, with no ‘man’ placed strategically in front of them. So I think I have achieved two firsts.
1) Professionally, to become the first person in my esteemed organisation’s history to have something published with the word 'boobs' in it, referring to breasts; and
2) Personally to somehow alter gender in the hands of a, presumably well-meaning, editor… and not only that but become the kind of woman who bares all on the beach and feels no shame in letting people know about it. Which, if I was a woman, I suppose is the kind of woman I’d like to be.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Beanless
Went out last night after building furniture and shunting boxes round at Dr Nicholl's behest to Nandos, only to be greeted by a sign that said: 'No bean patties today'. So I had to have a veggieburger instead, which wasn't too bad actually.
Now you might be asking 'Why didn't you just have the piri piri chicken and be done with it?' And I guess that's the thing. Since coming back from the States, I've harboured a secret. I've become a vegetarian.
There were plenty of reasons to do it. The farming industry is notoriously cheap and animals are mistreated badly. And I actually quite like animals. Sheep and cows not so much, but pigs are cute. Maybe I like grunty, snorty creatures who don't care much what anyone thinks because they remind me of me. Is it hypocritical to think pigs are cute and feed them in petting zoos and then chow down on some bacon? And, incidentally, what is the difference between eating pigs and eating dogs? It all seems very arbitrary to me.
So, reason 1: I like animals.
Reason 2: I'm fortunate to live in a society where I have a choice in what I eat, and I believe when you're given a choice it's your moral duty to make an ethical decision. I disapprove of people who prioritise their own tastebuds over the human rights and dignity of tea-pickers (in fact, deliberately choosing not to drink fair trade tea or coffee is a good reason why some people will go to hell). So, if I have the choice, and I should make an ethical choice, surely the ethical choice is to not eat meat, on so many levels.
And then there's the third reason. As I've already said the farming industry is shabby and cheap. We'll feed animals dead animals and then watch people's brains turn to mush. We'll pump our chickens full of oestrogen and wonder why men are growing boobs. I've put on some weight, and my man-tits are getting weighty. But they've shrunk since I stopped eating chicken and turkey.
And finally, in New York we met up with Dan Piraro. He's an artist I respect and he's passionate about animal rights. We chatted a bit around the subject (he's a vegan) and much of what he said made sense, but unlike many vegetarian prosetelysers, he didn't try to put me on a guilt trip, he didn't try and disgust me by telling me jelly babies are made from horses' hooves, or that pork sausages are full of pig eyeballs, and he didn't judge me. And that convinced me you can be a vegetarian and not be a swivel-eyed loon.
Plus you have to look at the ridiculous things people say to justify eating meat:
1) Hitler was a vegetarian. No, he wasn't, unless vegetarians eat Bratwurst. But it is true he was prescribed a vegetarian diet in order to treat his chronic flatulence, presumably because his doctors wanted it to get worse...
2) The Bible says we should eat meat. Really? Who's got the theology degree here?
3) Biologically we're built to eat meat. I'm not a biologist, but I have seen proper carnivores and we don't look much like them. Sorry, at best we're omnivores. Like hedgehogs.
4) Vegetarians are weird. Well, I was weird a long time before I became a vegetarian. If you don't believe me go for a trip through my blog archives.
Now you might be asking 'Why didn't you just have the piri piri chicken and be done with it?' And I guess that's the thing. Since coming back from the States, I've harboured a secret. I've become a vegetarian.
There were plenty of reasons to do it. The farming industry is notoriously cheap and animals are mistreated badly. And I actually quite like animals. Sheep and cows not so much, but pigs are cute. Maybe I like grunty, snorty creatures who don't care much what anyone thinks because they remind me of me. Is it hypocritical to think pigs are cute and feed them in petting zoos and then chow down on some bacon? And, incidentally, what is the difference between eating pigs and eating dogs? It all seems very arbitrary to me.
So, reason 1: I like animals.
Reason 2: I'm fortunate to live in a society where I have a choice in what I eat, and I believe when you're given a choice it's your moral duty to make an ethical decision. I disapprove of people who prioritise their own tastebuds over the human rights and dignity of tea-pickers (in fact, deliberately choosing not to drink fair trade tea or coffee is a good reason why some people will go to hell). So, if I have the choice, and I should make an ethical choice, surely the ethical choice is to not eat meat, on so many levels.
And then there's the third reason. As I've already said the farming industry is shabby and cheap. We'll feed animals dead animals and then watch people's brains turn to mush. We'll pump our chickens full of oestrogen and wonder why men are growing boobs. I've put on some weight, and my man-tits are getting weighty. But they've shrunk since I stopped eating chicken and turkey.
And finally, in New York we met up with Dan Piraro. He's an artist I respect and he's passionate about animal rights. We chatted a bit around the subject (he's a vegan) and much of what he said made sense, but unlike many vegetarian prosetelysers, he didn't try to put me on a guilt trip, he didn't try and disgust me by telling me jelly babies are made from horses' hooves, or that pork sausages are full of pig eyeballs, and he didn't judge me. And that convinced me you can be a vegetarian and not be a swivel-eyed loon.
Plus you have to look at the ridiculous things people say to justify eating meat:
1) Hitler was a vegetarian. No, he wasn't, unless vegetarians eat Bratwurst. But it is true he was prescribed a vegetarian diet in order to treat his chronic flatulence, presumably because his doctors wanted it to get worse...
2) The Bible says we should eat meat. Really? Who's got the theology degree here?
3) Biologically we're built to eat meat. I'm not a biologist, but I have seen proper carnivores and we don't look much like them. Sorry, at best we're omnivores. Like hedgehogs.
4) Vegetarians are weird. Well, I was weird a long time before I became a vegetarian. If you don't believe me go for a trip through my blog archives.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Badonkadonk II
After the original post about this wonderful onomatopoiec word, a work colleague (who shall remain nameless and shame free) stuck her head over my cubicle wall* and said: "That's exactly why I don't go jogging."
Chronic tendonitis in my leg aside (my lump was officially diagnosed last Tuesday), that would be a good reason for me not to go jogging either! Unless you want to see my moobs on the move.
*I don't work in a cubicle. I just have a wall.
Chronic tendonitis in my leg aside (my lump was officially diagnosed last Tuesday), that would be a good reason for me not to go jogging either! Unless you want to see my moobs on the move.
*I don't work in a cubicle. I just have a wall.
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