Torchwood goes west (big mistake)

Although other people have said some favourable things about the new Torchwood series that started last Thursday, I was less impressed.

First off, this was an 'establishing' episode that only really existed to take you to the next episode and explain how Captain Jack, Gwen et al end up in America. As that kind of episode it was done to an okay level. Quite why a black ops helicopter was trying to blow the crap out of a house on a beach in Wales where Gwen and Rhys were holed up was never adequately explained, but presumably it will be. Also the casting of Bill Pullman (who has aged significantly it seems) as a creepy child-murderer could well be inspired (and is a bold role for anyone to take on).

But - and it's a big but - nothing actually happened or got resolved in the episode. There was one exceptionally gross scene where they detached a head from a barely living charred corpse, and the head remained alive. But no answers. Only a very long teaser for the rest of the season.

I don't mind TV series having story arcs, although too-rigid story arcs killed The X-Files, Alias, even The West Wing in the end. The problem an episode that is all about the arc and nothing else really happens is boring in the extreme. Exhibit A: those X-Files episodes that just seemed to be mysterious characters sitting round tables smoking cigarettes talking about codenamed projects. Snore off! You want to see some kind of conclusion in an episode, even if the conclusion is open-ended so the bad guy can return to wreak havoc later.

For me, the emphasis on a story arc instead of having a story is a minus for the new Torchwood.

So is the relocation of the series to the USA. I recognise why they're doing this - the American TV audience. It's the same reason the news series of Doctor Who unnecessarily kicked off in Monument Valley in Utah instead of the Rhondda. But it misses the point of what made Torchwood interesting to start with.

If I wanted to watch overblown science fiction in an American setting I could tune in to repeats of the X-Files, or watch more of the new series of V. There are enough good programmes made in America already to satisfy my lust for all things American - Castle, Chuck, The Big Bang Theory, to name a few.

What made Torchwood fun was that it was set in Cardiff, and, okay, that might be because I live in Cardiff and location-spotting was amusing. But it also set it apart from just about anything else in the schedule. Turning it into an American-based drama removes the one thing that made it a must watch for me. It will be hard now to pick it out from a line-up of similar, high-end, slickly-produced, drama serials.

I think trading the dorkiness of being based in a little big city that few people have ever heard of for trans-Atlantic bright lights is a big mistake. So far no amount of aliens, government duplicity, mysterious time travellers, or poor TV scheduling have managed to kill Torchwood off.

But this decision might.

Flushed Away

If I was asked to submit an endorsement for this new venture from Aardman and Dreamworks it would be: “This is the film that made me see slugs in a whole new light.” (Because they spend the whole film either screaming, singing or slithering away in fear.)

But seriously, Flushed Away breaks new ground in animation – CG that looks like claymation. That gives it the Aardman ‘look’ with smoother lines and ‘water’, which you need if you’re going to set most of your film in the sewers of London. Fortunately this isn’t set in the sewers of Cardiff otherwise surely the Weevils would have munched their way through most of the rat population.

The film’s storyline isn’t exactly original, but the script is smart and the animation top notch, with several blink-and-you’ll-miss-it visual gags in the typical style of one of the cleverest studios around. In fact, that’s one of the best aspects of this film – it doesn’t parade its jokes in front of the camera. You have to be eagle-eyed enough to spot them. Just for once it’s nice to see a movie where the film-makers have assumed a modicum of intelligence on the part of the paying punters.

Interesting though, that even in when voicing an animated character, Kate Winslet can’t keep her trousers on…

Jongudmund’s rating: 7.5/10

Omni or Xeno?

Discussing last night’s Torchwood (Episode 7 ‘Greeks bearing Gifts’) today with Matt, we noted how, after only half series so far it seems that everyone on the team is bisexual. Or ends up smooching someone of the same-sex at least.

Except that this being a sci-fi show, most of the same-sex snogging is with aliens in a human body. Or a cyberwoman in stainless steel hotpants. (What was that about? Don't get me started on the potential chafing...)

But does having it off with an alien inhabiting a human body really make a person bi or homo? The debate is whether this makes you Omnisexual (i.e. you’d shag anything) or Xenosexual (i.e. you screw aliens).

It’s always Splott to me

Well, Torchwood is definitely the Welsh drama to end all Welsh dramas – mainly because after seeing it most people won’t ever watch any more. But seriously, after a disappointing, derivative first two episodes, where the best aspect of the show was the aerial shots of Cardiff, episode 3 wasn’t bad at all.

I’ve yet to hear a genuine Kairdiff accent though, which is odd considering how many scenes are filmed in Canton, Grangetown or the Docks. We did however get a genuine Kairdiff joke in episode 3. After tracking down a suspect to Splott, the token Londoner on the team asks “Splott??” incredulously. So far, so true to life – no one really believes there’s a part of the city called Splott, until you go there.

Cue: Welsh guy who doesn’t seem to do anything in the Torchwood team yet: “I think the estate agents pronounce it Splow…”
(Jongudmund’s note for the benefit of readers: ‘Splow’ rhymes with ‘slow’.)

This, of course, prompted much hilarity in our house, as some idiots do indeed try and call it Splow and maintain a straight face. Everyone else thinks calling it Splow is even funnier than Splott, as it tries to gentrify one of the slummiest areas of the city. There are some nice bits, and some very nice people living in Splott, but for the main, it is the nearest thing Cardiff gets to slums now Tiger Bay has been demolished.

A Splott on the landscape
After years living in Cardiff, I’ve kind of become immune to how funny ‘Splott’ sounds as a place name. But Splott (or Splow) is a weird one. Etymologically, one theory is that "Splott" is a truncation of "God's Plot", as the land belonged to the Bishop of Llandaff in medieval times. Or it could be a derivation of "Plat" meaning a ‘grassy area’ of land. While the God’s Plot theory is nice, in the 1400s there are records of two farms: Upper Splott and Lower Splott, which would relate more to the idea of grassy fields in the middle of what was then mainly marshy fenland.

But now Splott is one of the most populous areas of the city. Odd name or not, people take a certain pride in living in Splott, as can be seen by the unintentionally humorous graffiti pictured below…

Fear the Splott Massive!