"Seriously? I survived leaukemia for this?"

Yeah, this is turning into a blog about X Factor.

Last weekend's show featured the most toe-curlingly vomit-inducing charity single premiere I have ever had the misfortune to watch. First off it was a cover of Michael Jackson's painful attempt at an anthem for caring, 'You are not alone', which I have hated from day 1. Then it was sung by X Factor contestants, who each took a line each.

Given that it was obviously recorded a few weeks ago (else those were seriously fast costume changes for one song, then back into the outfits they'd been in all evening), it was interesting to see who only had a couple of lines, and who got to sing the stirring reprises towards the end. Obviously the key players were in the limelight, like, er, that bloke with the afro who got voted off last week. Oops.

Now it's for a good cause: Great Ormond Street Hospital. And to make sure we knrew it was for a good cause we had to watch a video featuring a little boy who had Survived Leaukemia despite the fact that his parents had been Told That He Would Die. He was very happy to be alive thanks to Gweat Ormond Stweet, as he told us in his charming lithping little boy voice.

But then, after championing the cause, the poor mite had to sit through the performance of the charity single and looked singularly nonplussed throughout. I can't blame him. Frankly, it left me hoping that a life-threatening disease would curtail my life expectancy to 'just before Christmas' so I don't have to hear that ear-offending drivellous pap played again.

But knowing my luck, that won't happen.

At least I'm consistent in admitting that I'm inconsistent

So after my rant about the rubbish prioritising of X Factor by some people who should know better, I have to admit tonight's results show was farcical in its unfairness.

(In case you don't know, Lucie Jones got sent home after a "sing off" with Jedward. I say "sing off" but only one act actually sang.)

But rather than getting steamed up, this does kind of prove my point from yesterday. The X Factor is a manipulative distraction. And Simon Cowell knows what he's doing. Given the opportunity to get rid of one of the girls (who probably posed a more serious threat to 'his' acts) and Jedward he opted to put it to the public. Of course he wants Jedward to stay in. The column inches alone are worth thousands of pounds in free advertising for one of the biggest egomaniacs on the planet. All he has to do is slag them off and he's guaranteed to get his mug in the papers.

And if we, as the public, didn't care enough to read that tosh and discuss it in detail over lunch, and be scandalised by manufactured press-industry scandal, then the competition would be a singing competition, not a soap opera.

So, ultimately we're to blame. And we should all be feeling guilty about Lucie leaving because we've created the monster that is Jedward, and Simon Cowell isn't going to slay the beast while it's making money for him.

I say 'we'. I mean 'you'.

Sorry, no, all it shows is that your life is mediocre

I've been a bit surprised by just how seriously people have been taking X Factor this year. I know it's a popular show and all, but I think this year is the first time I've really noticed it because for the first time we've had someone in the house who is obsessed by it.

The front pages of the papers today included a story about a spat between Simon Cowell and a contestant, a hissy fit by Dannii Minogue, and more stuff about those annoying twins.

Apparently lots of people think this kind of reportage is necessary. Our incumbent lodger has decided she's not going to watch the show with certain other of our friends because, and I quote, "they don't treat it with the respect it's due."

Well, no, neither do I. Mainly because it's a bit hard to wipe your arse on the telly.

And then there's the Xtra Factor, possibly the nadir of ramschackle poorly-thought out moronicity designed to keep the gibbering proles happy in their mundane little lives. I had to sit in the same room while that show was on and could feel it sucking the intelligence out of me. I had to leave. Any longer and I would become the kind of meusli-brained human beanbag who thinks this kind of drivel in any way constitutes culture.

I don't mind seeing people sing. I think dragging out the show to two hours is a bit much, but I could just about put up with that. The thing that's really turning me off, though, is, I'm sorry to say, the fans.

It's just not that important, sorry. I enjoy it as entertaining fluff. But to get passionate about it is just daft. The world is full of injustices that should make you so angry you get off your arse and raise hell until something is done.

The mystery of who is voting for Jedward just isn't worth the ranting.

No, you're going to drown, little girl. Sorry.

Don't know if you've seen the latest adverts to try and persuade us all to stop producing CO2, where there's a dad reading a bedtime story about the 'evil CO2 monsters' living up in the sky and how we're all going to get washed away when the ice caps melt. It ends with the kid asking "Is there a happy ending?"

I am truthfully a bit worried about global warming as my house that's oh so convenient for the Bay is only about six feet above sea level. Unlike friends of mine who live on top of hills, or far enough inland to not worry so much, I've got an elevation of six feet and about quarter of a mile until the seawater gets me.

And the thing is I think global warming is going to get worse. I base this assumption on some simple observed phenomena.
1) There are several people in this world who are easily distracted idiots who are incapable of turning off X Factor and turning on the news.
2) People are selfish and want to buy cheap crap made in China, regardless of how many emissions there are in production or transportation.
3) Stopping global warming will be expensive and no one wants to pay for it.
4) Cars are convenient and often cheaper to run than relying on public transport.
5) Burgers aren't going out of fashion any time soon.

So, I think the only solution is to take this personally, and abuse people who abuse the planet. After all their actions are effectively going to flood my house, the selfish gits. Be warned if you drive a 4x4 in my city.

A genuine "before they were famous" moment

The X Factor is all the rage at the moment, and there's a Welsh girl on there called Lucie Jones. I was talking to my mentoree Connor the other day and he said "You know that Welsh girl on the X Factor? She used to go to my College."

And suddenly I had a realisation. Back in March, we were persuaded by musical-loving friends (Bryan and Elaine) to go and see a college production of Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. And one of the main characters - the Witch, if you know the musical - was played by... Lucy Jones.

Now, of course, she's a big TV star (at least until her X Factor run runs out), but I saw her in a half-full community theatre when she was still a kid, although with some obvious star potential. I remember she got a big cheer when her character changed from being a hideous crone to a glamorous 'sexy witch' in a sheer red slinky outfit. She was obviously meant to be the star, although I remember at the time I thought the girl who played the Baker's Wife was very good too, if not better.

So there you go, a genuine 'I saw them before they were famous' moment. (And now she's so famous, she's changed her name to Lucie.)