All because the lady loves... a generation gap

A couple of weeks ago it was the youth Christmas fancy dress party. I could have gone as a cowardly lion, but to be honest the thought of putting on that suit again so soon made me shudder.

So we raided the wardrobe. Cathy had a black polo neck jumper she'd bought in a sale at Next. I still have the black jacket from my wedding suit (and it still fits, amazingly). A pair of black trousers, gloves, and shoes, and a black scarf later and I was almost there. All I needed was the requisite box of chocolates and I was the Milk Tray Man

I should explain who the Milk Tray Man was in case you don't know, but frankly I'm not responsible for your cultural ignorance. Besides you can always click on the handy link I've provided.

The reactions I got to my amazing costume were two-fold. From the other leaders it was "You're the Milk Tray Man? That's awesome!" And from the kids it was "You're who?" "The Milk Tray Man." "The Milk Tray... who? What did he do?"

The thing is when I started to explain it they were even more mystified. "So, he used to ski down a mountain, break into a lady's bedroom and leave a box of chcolates by her bed? He sounds like a stalker." Well, yes, when you put it like that...

Anyway, I stand by my costume choice and I'm sure you'll agree I look very suave.

Er, except when I'm trying to be!

Hands off me tentacles

This is the picture being used for the caption competition where I work. If you've got a funny caption, then just add it in the comments.

(There was a dressing up competition on - we don't normally wear such quality clobber to work.That's Matt in the octopus outfit by the way. He made it himself. I'm wearing a lobster hat that Cathy brought back for me from Boston, although it does look more like a crab.)

Immature clown

Thanks to Connor "I hate nature!" K, the whole world can now see me reveling in visual humour of the most mature kind.

And no, I haven't grown an Afro. It's a wig, before you start...

Stuff I learned from Mark Thomas’ book

Every job in the defence industry is subsidized to the tune of £13,000 plus change

That money comes out of our taxes

Far from being the impartial, fearless newsgatherer it wants to portray itself as, the BBC bottled it when the opportunity came along to expose arms dealers who’ve given money to the government

If the Indian government ever drops a nuke on Pakistan, it’s likely to be from a British-made plane

Most cabinet ministers visiting foreign governments are corporate whores touting the wares of Bae Systems

It’s illegal to sell torture equipment in the UK, but people still do it, and you can buy it on the web

The Labour government cares more whether you pay your TV licence than whether you are selling arms to UN-blacklisted regimes

If you’re going to break into an arms fair and cause havoc, one of the best ways is to dress up as a ‘penis of peace’ and hide a battering ram inside your giant papier mache cock – plus make sure you’re naked and greased up with olive oil to make life even harder for the security goons trying to grab you

Still haven't bought your own copy? Get along to Amazon.