Things I'd like to see less of in 2013

Presuming the apocalypse turns out tobe a non-event, here are some things I'd like to see left in 2012

People Facebook tagging me in photos of their babies
I know you think everyone in the world wants to see every photo of your precious bundle of joy, but trust me on this, nobody in the world finds your sproglet as enduringly fascinating as you do. I’ll see your photo on my timeline anyway. I don’t need notifiying that twenty-seven people like a photo that I’m tagged in when I’m not even in it. It’s annoying. Next person to do it to me will get a comment about how ugly their child is.

Media fawning over the Duchess of Cambridge
It’s nothing personal. I’m sure Kate’s a nice gal and there are far worse people who could be in the papers every week (cough, cough, Katie Price, cough). But she should be allowed to be pregnant in private. We don’t need ridiculous baby bump photospreads taking up acres of newspaper space. Leave her alone!

Adverts for staged 'reality' TV shows
Just the adverts for Made in Chelsea annoy me. If I wanted to listen to a collection of narcissists awkwardly pontificate as if everything they say is cosmically significant, then I’d pay attention to the pundits on Match of the Day. Speaking of which...

Montage introductions to the ‘big’ game on Match of the Day
I tune in to watch the goals, flashpoints and other highlights in the football, not to be subjected to the work of the film studies intern who thinks banging together a load of fuzzed up footage over an indie track is somehow ground-breaking. There was one a couple of weeks ago that was so tenuously linked to the game in question even Gary Lineker, the master of non-sequitur segues, said he didn't know what it was about. It wasn't so bad when it was a very occasional bit of filler. But this is a case when less is definitely more. And none would be better.

Erofic
I’ve not read Fifty Shades of Grey because, like Twilight before it, it looks godawful, people who’ve read it say it’s terribly badly written, and it’s incredibly popular, which as a general rule of thumb means it’s going to be trash (the lowest common denominator is firmly at work when it comes to culture, witness the unwatchable crud of Saturday night TV schedules). Unfortunately, judging by the garbage clogging up the supermarket bookshelves, it seems every publishing house is now trying to cash in on the Fifty Shades success, even down to making sure there’s a ‘colour’ in the title and the cover is a random object artfully shot in black and white.

There is another Skywalker

On Friday morning I became an Uncle, courtesy of my brother, Dave, and sister-in-law, Esther (who did most of the work, to be fair!). Joy Lindsay Matthias arrived on a Friday at about 6 in the morning (same as her Uncle, so she's obviously going to be awesome).

We had a whirlwind trip up to Shrewsbury yesterday to meet her. As you can see from the pic, she treated me the same way the rest of the family treat me - by yawning very loudly as I was talking to her. So, it looks like she will fit in nicely.

Resolution

I'm not really one for resolutions, but this year I may try something different.

This stems from a conversation that I had with my brother last week. In case you missed it, they are expecting. He asked what I thought about it and I said that generally the thing he had to remember is that nobody is ever as interested in the minutiae of your baby as you are.

It's not just babies, I said. It's true of your job, your holidays, your car, and actually pretty much anything you do in life.

People only want to hear the highlights (or lowlights). We want to know if there's something out of the ordinary. But a moment-by-moment account of every kick, every burp, every poo-filled nappy... Well, in the main, no one is as interested as you are. (The same goes for paper-heavy HR procedures, what you ate in the hotel restaurant, or whether you've roatated your tyres.)

I think I have a tendency to talk on about the things that interest me, but don't interest other people so much. So this year my resolution is to take my own advice - talk less and wait for the invitation to share. I'm sure I will bless some people by not talking so much!

I also had a funny conversation with a colleague last month. She is what I affectionately call a 'topper'. It would seem that whatever story you tell, she has a similar one that 'tops' it. We all know people like that, and she is by no means the worst person with that tendency that I have ever had to work with.

But I have that tendency too, which is why I notice it. So this year I plan to be less of a topper.

And a final resolution, because good things come in threes, is to do more writing. I may need to do this in earnest soon as I have had a tentative enquiry about the quasi-finished Zodiac Team novel I drafted several years ago. There is a long way to go on this before any definite plans are made, but I may have to rewrite chunks of it before the end of 2011.

Somehow I will have to find the time to write. If you feel charitable towards me, please wish me luck.

And, similarly, may good fortune (or divine providence if that's more your cup of tea) favour you in the coming year.